Excerpts from Shafia Zaloom presentation

[i]Challenging and Courageous

Conversations

• The mantra: “Keep it real.”
• Teenagers need an environment free of judgment, guilt, shame, absolutes and ultimatums in order to share with open honesty.
• Earning credibility does not come from compromising adult – young person boundaries, but from approaching difficult topics with a balance of seriousness, humor and openness.
• The majority of comprehensive sex education is about values. No one can teach your own children this most important piece but you.
• Create a family philosophy of sex – be concrete about values and how those you’ve been teaching your kids their whole lives relate to sexuality.
• Talk about an individual sense of readiness

From the Mouths of Babes (direct quotes from teens)

• “If we ask a question, pleeeaaaasssseee be concise and focused.”
• “Allow your kid to guide the conversation – talk less and listen more.”
• It’s okay to say, “I don’t know.”
• “Stay open to different perspectives.”
• “Avoid letting the conversation become a family debate.”
• “We really do care even if it seems like we don’t.”
• “Worry less about what I do and more about how I feel.”

What else you can do…

• Acknowledgement: this is hard. These conversations are challenging for most people.
• Reflect upon your own orientation to adversity and challenge. Be honest. Educate yourself: books, websites, TED talks.
• Talking to your kid(s) about sex is about LOVE! Caring so much that you’re willing to have the tough conversations.
• Emphasize that this is not a “women’s issue” or a “men’s issue” but a human issue. This is about how we care about people.
• Examine gender stereotypes together and how they relate to relationships.
• Discuss the relationship between sexual assault and alcohol.
• Ask about a health class!!!
• Stay up to date on efforts to bring an end to sexual violence.
• Answer the call to action – Questions hold people and institutions accountable.

Be curious – become an expert in asking good questions.

• Watch media together and engage in critical dialogue (See questions below)

Questions You Can Ask: Music

• Do you think this is about attraction, infatuation or a meaningful/loving relationship?
• How do you know?
• Do you think people think about the words as much as the music?
• What about the song is misogynist? Objectifying?
• Does the song represent what’s real in sexual relationships?
• What does the song value or devalue about sex?

Questions You Can Ask: Film and Video

• How did you know the characters were attracted to each other?
• Were there any other factors influencing them getting together? What happened?
• Do you think they both wanted/desired what they did together?
• Do you think they were ready?
• How did they communicate what they wanted or didn’t want?
• Sexual exploration can be awkward sometimes, did you notice any awkward moments? If so, how did the couple deal with it?
• How was consent explicitly asked for? Did the question allow for “yes” and “no”? When and how should it have been asked for?
• Did both people show care and respect for each other? Specifically, in what ways?
• If they didn’t, what could have been done differently?
• Did you see or hear any coercion?
• Do you think the scene was an accurate representation of what real life sexual exploration is like?
• Was the sexual exploration safe and responsible? If not, what got in the way of it being so?
• Did you see any gender stereotypes at work?
• Was there a social power dynamic?
• Did both people walk away from the experience with their dignity?
• What was the impact of the sexual exploration on their relationship?

[i] Content of this document is provided with the permission of Shafia Zaloom and cannot be copied or distributed without the permission of the author.